This post is about breastfeeding, so if that makes you uncomfortable - just stop reading. I need to post this because it's important for me to remember, and I would forget otherwise. It's important for other moms reading out there. And it may some day be important to M.P.
So, you have been warned.
Seriously, you can stop reading now.
Last chance!
The reason I am writing this is because I have officially stopped breastfeeding. M.P. is now 100% formula fed. I have lots of very mixed emotions about this. So, here, in no particular order, is my advice for moms and thoughts about breastfeeding and pumping:
1. Breastfeeding is hard! I realize that isn't really advice, it's just a fact. Maybe it's not a fact for everyone - I certainly hope not - but it was a fact for me. I had heard this so many times, I thought I would be prepared for how hard it is. But I wasn't. It was easy in the ways I didn't expect and hard in ways I could never have anticipated. It's hard to feel like you're trapped inside your house and physically attached to another human for weeks. It's hard because your hormones go completely wonky and things seem like they are falling apart for reasons you are completely unable to articulate. It's hard because when you seek out advice, you will almost invariably run into someone who judges / ignores / minimizes / or generally makes you feel bad. Yes, breastfeeding can sometimes hurt physically, but that wasn't the main problem for me. My problems were emotional, and supply issues. Which brings me to:
2. Consider co-sleeping! I knew I wasn't ever going to co-sleep. I had visions of getting up at night (about every three hours of course), strolling into the nursery, nursing M.P. for 10-15 minutes, at which time she would peacefully fall asleep, I would place her in her crib and return to bed. What could be simpler? (
all mothers should be spitting out there diet cokes laughing at me right now).
M.P. was very happy to sleep three hours in a row.
During the day. At night? Well, at night it was up every hour, every 45 minutes, nurse for 30 minutes straight, yes that is the sun coming up, and no I haven't slept a wink.
I did ok with the sleep deprivation for... 48 hours? At which point, Dad brought M.P. to our bed (so I wouldn't have to walk to the nursery - I was too tired) and I nursed her while bawling my eyes out.
My fear of co-sleeping was because of SIDS and suffocation risk. It didn't help that as we were checking out of the hospital, the nurse (who basically tries to teach you to parent in 10 minutes before you leave) said "Now, never ever ever sleep with your baby. I personally know two families that have smothered their children doing this."
Thank you - I am duly terrified.
There are some facts about breastfeeding, however, that make separate beds much more difficult. 1) Breast milk is digested faster than formula. Thus, babies have to get up more often to eat - at least until their body weight gets a bit higher. 2) Milk production goes down at night. So while the baby still wants to eat, and probably hasn't figured out the difference between night and day, your body isn't producing as much milk. 3) Milk production drops if you don't get enough sleep. How cruelly ironic.
I broke down and co-slept with M.P. for awhile in our guest bed when I started back to work. Having to get out the door every morning and being unable to take naps just made it too difficult a battle with sleep. It was heaven - I fell asleep while feeding her, and was only wake 1-2 minutes each feeding. It was *almost* as good as sleeping through the night.
The problem is that I really didn't know how to safely co-sleep, and so I didn't do it as safely as I could or should have. Next time, I will have more realistic expectations and be prepared. Yes, I think it can be done safely, if you follow certain
guidelines. In fact the American SIDS Institutes recommends that babies be
next to their mothers when they sleep in order to reduce the risk of SIDS (although they also note that adult beds are dangerous).
3. Take a real maternity leave. I am a corporate lawyer. Someone else reading this might be a part-time scuba instructor. Whatever your job, it is not always possible to take maternity leave. The federal minimum is... well... crappy. If you cannot take a real maternity leave, don't beat yourself up over it.
My plan was to take six weeks off entirely and
ease my way back in. In reality? I was logging in from home when M.P. was four weeks old, and back full time (plus) at six. Is that because I have an evil employer? Not at all. That is simply the nature of my job, and, I hate to admit it, the nature of me. I struggle to set boundaries. Say "No." I could have taken longer, but I didn't.
The problem is that, when you are pumping instead of nursing, eventually your supply starts to drop. My supply did great for awhile - a couple of months, actually. But then slowly it started going down, and then dropped off, and then completely plummeted. Could that have happened if I had still been at home? Possibly, but I doubt it. I tried to be very religious about pumping, but guess what? I never learned how to pass a note to a male partner, aged 65, saying "Excuse me, must go empty boobs."
At the end of the day, the longer you exclusively breastfeed (not pump) the better off you will be.
4. Take galactagogue herbs at the first sign of low supply. When I have another baby, I will be bringing fenugreek capsules with me to the hospital. I'll also start pumping after feedings as soon as I'm home to try and increase milk production.
I found the liquid capsules to be far more effective than the teas. I took
this, which is a blend of many herbs.
I had supply problems almost immediately. M.P. started getting supplemental bottles around 2 weeks. This was agonizing for me. I drank water, ate oatmeal, took the herbs, drank Guinness, and stressed and agonized and so on. I cried and cried and cried over the guilt of it. I won't do that to myself (or my husband or child) next time. I have learned #5:
5. Do the best you can. For mothers, guilt is omnipresent. But, you do the best you can, and no more.
Our society is not set up to help nursing mothers. I asked my sister-in-law about whether she knew of any women in Niger, where she volunteered with Peace Corps, who had difficulty breastfeeding. Other than infection issues, she didn't. But in that society, women see their mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins and neighbors breastfeeding their entire lives. There is no thought of feeding the baby any other way.
Until I started breastfeeding, I can't recall having ever seen another woman do it. Not only did I not know how, I also felt like, in some ways, breastfeeding was a dirty secret.
In fact, laws have had to be passed to protect mother's right to breastfeed, although women still face significant discrimination for choosing to feed their children the milk that God gave them to give.
How insane! Women are told over and over that breastfeeding is best for babies, yet they are punished if they dare to feed their child in public. Breastfeeding is supposed to occur for a year or longer. Does society really expect women to stay in their homes for an entire year? Or to only leave the house between feedings? Or to buy
expensive pumps so that they have a bottle to give when outside?
I did breastfeed, discreetly, in public a few times. I did it at two restaurants, once in the waiting room of my Ob-Gyn, and once in the back seat of my car at a gas station. I was lucky - no one said anything to me.
I've heard people complain about women breastfeeding in public without being discreet. The fact of the matter, it can be quite a feat to be discreet. For example, many babies will not tolerate a cover up. They're not used to it, and so they refuse to use one. Many mothers know that they will cause more of a scene and draw more attention to themselves if they try to use one. Also, breastfeeding is hard (see #1). It can be very hard to get a baby latched on without looking at what you're doing. Which means you might have to dive under a blanket as well, which is just absurd and cumbersome.
So mothers who breastfed: whatever you did for your baby - whether it was 1 day or 1 year of exclusive breastfeeding - benefited your baby.
And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for anything you did to feed your child.
